Wednesday, October 12, 2011

uncertainty

[Disclaimer: This is the post where I tell way too much personal stuff about myself and make y'all uncomfortable.]

This semester so far has been a struggle for me.  [<--- Understatement.]

And the reason it's been a struggle all comes down to one word:

Anxiety.

Mmm hmm.  Kind of ironic, considering I'm studying counseling, eh?

I've struggled with mild to moderate anxiety ever since I can remember.  [And believe me, I've tried to forget that time I was in swimming lessons for the first time and threw up in the pool because I was so nervous.]

And now it's reached a low point.  [Or a high point.  Whichever way you choose to see it.]

I've given this a lot - and I mean a lot - of thought.  Because even though I graduated with two undergraduate degrees in four years, this is approximately 10,000 times more work.  It's not really harder, but it is more work.  But it would be totally worth it, if it was what I really wanted to do, right?

And that's where my problem comes in - my uncertainty about the program.  My uncertainty about what I really even want to do with my career.  [I realize this is sounding a bit like a mid-life crisis, but I promise I haven't dyed my hair or bought an entirely-too-expensive sports car yet.]

This uncertainty is exacerbating my anxiety to ridiculous proportions.  Like, sometimes-debilitating proportions.  [Just ask my very sweet husband.]

I pray about it all the time.  And I know He will answer me, but sometimes it's in His time, not mine.  And that's ok, because at least I know that He still cares.  In fact, I have a feeling He's way more involved than I realize.

The truth is, there really isn't a point to all of this other than to throw it out into the void and hope that maybe somebody has been through something similar.  Or in the hopes that maybe it will help someone know that they're not alone.

Because for now, it's not fun.

But I know someday it will all make sense.

[Feeling awkward yet? ;)]

13 comments:

Gentri said...

Oh I am so sorry you're stressed. I can understand the anxiety issue. While I've never been diagnosed or whatever w it, I am pretty sure I have it. For as long as I can remember I have stressed about everything. I remember making myself sick in elementary school just because I was so nervous. And I still have it w some things. It's really frustrating and hard to deal w. I hope that you feel better soon!! :)

P.s. Be sure to check out the giveaway I'm hosting on my blog! :)

Alexis Kaye said...

totally not feeling awkward. Girl you know i have these issues too. Want to know something crazy? After my panic attack I don't know that I've ever been happier. I decided to drop a class and take a class I enjoyed and oh my gosh I feel like I can breathe! I have to make doing things for myself a priority. It feels so good to take care of yourself. I've started a workout routine and taking a certain amount of time a day to do whatever I want. It's awesome. I would give that a try. And simplify. If there anything in life you can cut out? Best of luck girl :) you're fabulous!

katilda said...

i don't feel awkward...then again, i know a lot more about you than is included in this post :) i texted you some of my thoughts yesterday...which, i still stand by. Also, TSwizzle is in 9 days. Canyoubelievethat?? hang in there grasshopper. Slushies will be mandatory on our adventure.

Jana said...

I do understand anxiety. Uncertainty kills me too, as does waiting. I love you. I'm sorry that you are struggling, but I have confidence in you. Answers will come. I just can't imagine you not making it through in the end.

Siri Natalia said...

Oh I'm sorry sweetie! I TOTALLY get that! This sememster has been insane compared to my first two years! It's ridiculous! It's a good thing I have Lance to go with me to get tubs of ice cream at midnight when I have a break down lol

Jesse B. Hannah said...

Anxiety sucks. I know this firsthand, to the extent that it derailed my mission and slowed my progress on my degree. But praying for help definitely helps, and Priesthood blessings definitely help, and seeing a counselor definitely helps. Ask Heavenly Father for help, and He'll lead you where you need to go.

Tatum said...

You're awesome Katie. Hang in there. At least you know Who is in control. And as wonderful as you are, I know He is teaching you something and taking you somewhere even more wonderful than you realize. You probably didn't even imagine you'd be helping someone by baring your emotions, but thanks for helping me tonight.

Fabrizia said...

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shirley elizabeth said...

You can't get anywhere without moving towards SOMETHING, regardless of if it's what you're going to be doing for the rest of your life or not.

So my dream to own a flower shop? I started out and thought, "okay, what can get me there?" My answer was a business degree. It was while pursuing it that I discovered, what? I love accounting? And then I saw a new goal form (and actually following that goal has qualified me more for a flower shop than any business degree could have).

We are told to make goals. Goals are awesome. But our goals aren't necessarily where we're going to end up. I think sometimes HF lets us pursue our goals so that on the way we may find what he really has in mind for us - which is really so much better than anything we thought up.

So pursue. You've got a lifetime to have two or five or ten different careers and do whatever you put your mind to.

As far as the not having any fun/feeling sick part. Do these feelings stem from fear of the hard work and making the wrong choice, or from something that you can't really put a definition to? Because if it's the latter, you might have your answers. Make a definite decision in one direction or another and see how you feel about it.

Chelsea said...

I don't even feel awkward. I feel like I can relate to you, though. There is just something crazy about this semester!

You are definitely not alone with the anxiety, though. I'm sorry you have to deal with it! I think it's really great that you shared what you're going through. I hope things start to look up. I know they will. You are an amazing, and strong person!

Emma Frances said...

Stress is awful. I'm in my senior year as a Psychology major and I have NO idea what I am going to do with my life after graduation. It is stressful along with still being in school. I can't even imagine the stress that you are experiencing. I hope that you get your answer soon!

Danielle said...

I have never commented on someone's blog I didn't know. I am waiting for my fiance to get out of class and was just clicking and clicking on friends of friends. Blah Blah... I am in a Master's program and this semester is killing me. Everyone seems like they know this is exactly what they have been waiting their whole lives for. I'm just having one big worry fest bust I never tell anyone. Maybe I'm rambling and mostly I just wanted to say this post answered my prayers today to know that someone else somewhere feels like I do. Thanks!

Danielle said...

when wrote bust I totally meant but...awkward.