Sunday, August 26, 2012

before the baby

When Tim and I got engaged, we discussed, among many other things, when we wanted to start having children.  Let's wait at least two to three years, we said.  It'll give us a chance to really get to know each other.

But sometime at the beginning of 2012, I began to have small inklings that Heavenly Father might have other plans.  Since we had only been married a few months and since I was still in grad school at the time, I shrugged it off the first few times.  Then something totally unexpected happened.

I had a miscarriage.  And I hadn't even known I was pregnant.  Didn't even think it was really a possibility.  But the grief that followed was instantaneous and acute.  Needless to say, I immediately began reevaluating my thoughts on the matter.  But ultimately, it all came down to one plaguing question: Did I really want to prevent the coming of a child that was meant to be in our home?

Don't worry, I didn't quit grad school because of all of this soul-searching.  I quit for a thousand other reasons.  But it would be a lie to say it wasn't a factor at all.

Tim and I continued to pray about the matter, but I said very little of my growing convictions.  I wanted him to  independently get the same confirmation that I'd had.

It didn't take very long.

Tim's grandma died in February, and we drove up to Utah for her funeral.  Throughout her service, I felt my convictions growing stronger, but again, I didn't say much about my feelings because I didn't want to influence Tim.  Sometime during the long car ride home, however, Tim got his own sacred answer.  Maybe he'll write about the experience someday, but suffice it to say that by the time we got home, he was even more convinced than I was that it was time to stop preventing pregnancy.

It was honestly the scariest decision we've ever made as a couple - not because we didn't want a baby, but because we knew how drastically our lives would be changed in a very short amount of months.  But we knew that as we moved forward with faith, Heavenly Father would allow everything to happen when the time was right - for Him, for us, and for a child we hadn't even met.


Emma Frances said...

I love this. It really is such a hard decision to make but Heavenly Father definitely provides for those following his promptings and commandments.

Ali Mills said...

I love this ;) I'm sorry you had to endure a miscarriage though :( Luckily now though you will love that little one even more ;) I'm so excited for you guys! ;)

Karm said...

Awe, You both will be great parents!!

katilda said...

I need you to stop writing things that make me emotional. I hate that you had to experience a miscarriage but i am so...SO...happy for your upcoming baby! I think it's admirable that you're willing to listen to Heavenly Father's plan instead of your own plan.

Alexis Kaye said...

This is really sweet. You guys will be great parents! And I'm so sorry about your miscarriage. My doctor thinks I had one too. I missed my period in november, december and january and then in febuary had the most painful period I had ever ever had. It was different. But there's no way for them to tell for sure unless you save the tissue. That's what my doctor said. I feel like since I didn't know for SURE it was a miscarriage, it was so much easier for me to cope with. I hope you're feeling better now! excited for this baby to come!!!

mcarrasco said...

Oh my goodness Katie I couldnt even imagine having a miscarriage without knowing you were pregnant. You and Tim are so strong and are such good John the Baptists for Abe and I. Get it? John the baptist...the forerunner...haha not to say we are all haha oh man that didnt work out the way I wanted to. YOURE PIONEERS yes thats better