even before she was born

"Tell me again, Dad," I pleaded, hugging the comforter of my twin bed up around my chin.

"But you know this story already," he reasoned in the dim light of my bedroom.

"I know, but I want to hear it again!"

"Ok, ok.  Well you already know that I got baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints at age eight, just like most kids do and just like you did.  But for some reason, we didn't actually go to church much.  My mom taught me how to pray, but I didn't really know too much about the church except for what my grandma would teach me when she came to visit.

"When I moved away to San Diego for graduate school, something changed.  I think I just remembered my grandma's bedtime stories and wanted to investigate a little further.  So I started attending institute classes, which is kind of the equivalent of taking college-level classes about our church.  I didn't go all the time, and I wasn't converted right away, but I liked that all the things I was learning made sense on an intellectual level.

"I still hadn't actually been to church, but eventually I went to one meeting.  And then another.  I probably only went to one hour of church per month.  Slowly but surely over the course of about two or three years, I started going more regularly.  Somewhere along the way, everything started making sense in my head and in my heart, and by the time I was 28, I was going to nearly every meeting and even had my very first calling passing out hymnbooks.

"And, as you know, that singles ward was how I met your mom.  I had a feeling the very first night I met her that she would be the one I married."

"And then you waited two more years to ask her out," I teased.

"Yes, but we got married three months after we started dating!" he defended himself.  "Ok, I think that's it for tonight.  I'll tell you more tomorrow."

I turned the lights out and smiled.  I loved that story.  Something about it just felt so familiar.

The wheels in my young brain began to turn.  I wonder if, I thought, during that whole story, I was up in heaven watching him, and maybe even encouraging him to go back to church so he could be closer to the Savior and so he could meet Mom.  I liked that thought.  Even if it wasn't true, something about it felt right.

It wasn't until I was a young adult that I had an electrifying thought: If it's possible that I was up in heaven watching and encouraging Dad during that whole period of time...does that mean it's also possible that my future children are watching me right now?  Very few realizations gave me stronger motivation to make sure that my actions were in alignment with what God wanted for me than that one did.  If my children were watching me, well, that was as good a motivation as any.

Whether or not it was true, that line of thinking slowly changed my heart.  I began to love those future children, even though I wasn't even married yet.  I wanted to make sure that I lived my life in such a way that I would be worthy to be their mom someday.

And now that I'm over halfway through my pregnancy, my heart is filled with such gratitude for this incredible opportunity to be a mom to this little girl that I already love so much.  I know I won't be perfect.  Far from it, in fact.

But if she doesn't know anything else about her mom, I want her to know that I loved her even before she was born.